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Disappointments & Revision for the Days of Revelations

Catching Up

The day after the last post, December 28th, I felt ready. I was ready to begin the first steps of improving my life. I was ready to have a clean space and, if possible, slightly more organization in my space than before. However, when the day began to progress, I seemed glued to the couch. I was stuck between the couch and a television. I was stuck between “a rock and a hard place” while swimming in the monstrous sea of procrastination. I’ve been in that sea for years now. I knew it was going to be hard for me to start this. I know when things get challenging I tend to shut down. I don’t want to do that anymore. I want a challenge and I want to improve. I was definitely disappointed in myself for a few days.

On December 30th, I was feeling emotional. I was irritated. I was upset with how things were going (well more than I normally am). I had been sitting in the same seat for days. I had planned what I wanted. I had thought about what I wanted. I was doing nothing though. Absolutely nothing. That Wednesday I wasn’t in a good place. I was crying. I was crying about some recent mistakes I had made over those few days. Then I got mad. I needed to do something. I had to do something. I got up and began thinking about what I needed to do. What I needed to buy to clean and how I wanted to rearrange my space. I spent my day thinking and light cleaning.

NewYear’s Eve, I was still in a funk due to the problems I was having that were making me a bit emotional. I had spent most of my day at work in a haze. One of my problems was really bothering me. I left at noon, due to the holiday, and went to a town half an hour away to spend the day at. Even though I wasn’t in a great mind, I was really excited at being at this place. When I parked though, I opened a can of worms. It didn’t end that well. Then an hour later I did it again. During that chaotic activity, I came to this conclusion: I am the problem. No one else is my problem. Nothing that happens is my problem. I am the problem and I need to absolutely do something about it. So, I wiped my eyes and went to a bar to have some dinner. I enjoyed it. I didn’t stay for the parade. I went home with this, to me, heart hitting knowledge that I had heard before but now has finally clicked. I went into the new year leaving my negativity in 2015. I was looking forward to my future.

The first day of the new year I had off work. Even though I had learned a few things, that day I went into a micro-episode of pulling away from everything and burrowing into myself. I cried some more. I watched some sad movies. Again, there I was, stuck to the couch with my face glued to a television.

Saturday, I woke up early, my face pressed into the side of the couch. I had one thought in my head: “I can’t sleep here anymore.” That one thought pushed me to start thinking. “I can’t live like this anymore” was my second thought. In my pajamas, I took almost everything out of my bedroom. I cleaned. Then I reorganized and put some of my boxed up things to the garage to free up some space. The bedroom looks completely different, clean, and like I could finally breathe again instead of feeling like it’s crushing me. Then I went around cleaning the kitchen, living room, laundry room. I felt amazing afterwards. I took a shower and that felt great for the first time in a long time. I felt refreshed. However, at the end of that shower that I had forgotten to clean the bathroom. I was in such a better mood that I wrote that off for another day. I was feeling great. I had spent most of my day making my living space better. I decided to go out to get some food. I didn’t end up getting food right away though. I went to Target, bought a folding table and chair, vitamins, and shampoo. I was excited for the table. I had decided to use it as a desk. I hadn’t had a desk in a long time. I needed a work space in my room. Before I didn’t have the space for it. Now I did. It was exciting to have a workspace and to not have to use my bed. I sat at the table for a good twenty minutes, once I set it up. It was a positive and we’ll needed piece of furniture.  I then went to the grocery store. I bought five boxes of pasta and sauce. I made a delicious pot of pasta with alfredo sauce. I enjoyed my two bowls of pasta in my freshly remade room. I slept well that night.

Negativity

To this day, from that night, I haven’t done much outside of work. My job can be very demanding. Well, mentally and time wise. Physically, I just sit at a desk and in a very uncomfortable chair all day. What’s left for me to do that is on my list from my last post:

  • Completely clean my space – bathroom is a must!
  • Get in the habit of making the bed
  • Be comfortable with leaving the door open
  • Let more fresh air in
  • Space cleansing
  • Flowers and plants
  • Having oils, incense,  or candles for a great smelling space

I think I may have to take off leaving the door open. I don’t feel comfortable with having my roommates pets in my room. The cat tend to hide in places ge can’t get out of. First, I am worried for his own welfare if he gets stuck somewhere. Second, I don’t want to have to dig him out. However, everything outside that is very achieveable and I will.

Meditation & Sleeping

I wanted to start meditating in the morning. The only day I was able to achieve that was on the fourth. I believe that before I can get into the habit of meditating that I need to get into the habit of a good sleeping schedule. I can’t seem to get up before 7 AM unless I’m nervous about something. My anxiety will keep me in a light sleep. So, I’m currently putting meditation on hold so I don’t overwhelm myself. I need to take care of my sleeping patterns. I plan on slowly getting myself to wake up at 5 AM while getting to bed by 10 PM. I’m still currently going to bed around 12 AM but I’ve slowly been waking up 15 minutes earlier each day. I don’t feel too tired as I’m getting up at 7:30 AM now. Which is still an improvement from 8:45 AM. I will and can’t wait to get to my goal.

This New Year

Those have been my disappointments and achievements over the last few weeks. I hope to be able to post more frequently. I hope to discover more of myself in this coming year. This is a new year. A fresh beginning.

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